Photo: The Irish Times
The Day She Wanted to Pack Up and Come Home
Ijeoma Mbaneme had done everything right. She had the plan, she had the hustle, and she had the vision. In 2023, she packed her bags, gathered her family, and relocated from Nigeria to Ireland — a move she hoped would change their lives forever. And in many ways, it did. Just not always in the ways she expected.
Not long after settling in, watching her eldest daughter struggle to find her footing in a new country — new school, new accent, new everything — Ijeoma turned to her husband and said something that many Nigerian parents abroad have whispered but few will say out loud: "We have made a terrible mistake."
Chai. That kind of statement does not come easy from a woman who sacrificed so much to make the move happen. But that is the raw, unfiltered truth that most japa success stories conveniently leave out of the Instagram posts and LinkedIn updates.
The Japa Dream Is Real — But So Is the Price Tag
Let us not pretend. The japa movement is not just a trend — it is a survival strategy for millions of Nigerians who are tired of ASUU strikes, fuel queues, epileptic power supply, and a naira that is practically on life support. The dream of giving your children a better life, accessing quality healthcare, and building something meaningful outside Nigeria is 100% valid.
But here is what the motivational speakers at those relocation seminars will not tell you: the emotional and psychological cost of uprooting your family can be staggering. Especially when you have children who have built their entire world — their friends, their school, their routines — right there in Lagos or Abuja or Port Harcourt.
For Ijeoma's eldest daughter, the move to Ireland was not just a change of location. It was a disruption of identity. Suddenly, everything familiar was gone. The jollof rice smell from the neighbour's kitchen, the noise of the street, her school friends — all replaced by cold Irish weather, unfamiliar accents, and the silent pressure to fit in.
When Your Child's Pain Becomes Your Regret
There is a particular kind of guilt that immigrant parents carry. You make the decision to move — often for the children's sake — and then you watch those same children suffer through the transition. The irony is almost too much to bear.
Ijeoma's story is not unique. Across Ireland, the UK, Canada, and Australia, Nigerian parents are having this same quiet crisis. They are holding their children through tears at night while putting on brave faces during the day. They are second-guessing decisions that took years to plan and execute.
The children who struggle most are often the older ones — teenagers and pre-teens who have already formed deep social bonds back home. Young children adapt faster; they are still building their sense of self. But a 12-year-old who just left her best friend of eight years in Lekki? That is a different matter entirely.
So Was the Japa Worth It? Let's Be Honest
This is the question that gets people heated at Nigerian WhatsApp group meetings. And the answer, frustratingly, is: it depends.
For Ijeoma, the career advancement she sought in Ireland has been real. Opportunities that would have taken a decade in Nigeria arrived faster abroad. The infrastructure, the stability, the professional exposure — these things matter. And with time, her daughter has started to find her footing, make friends, and build a new normal. The storm, it seems, is passing.
But not every family gets that resolution. Some children never fully recover the confidence they lost. Some marriages crack under the financial and emotional pressure of starting over. Some Nigerians spend years abroad feeling like they belong nowhere — too foreign for their new country, too "been-to" to fully return home.
The Things We Must Start Talking About Before We Japa
If you are currently planning your own relocation, here are some honest conversations you need to have before you book that flight:
- How old are your children? The younger, the more adaptable. If your child is already a teenager with a strong social identity, prepare for a harder transition and involve them in the decision.
- What is your mental health support system? Loneliness abroad is real and can hit even the most extroverted person. Do you have community? A church? Nigerian friends in that city?
- What does "home" mean to your family? Some people are wired to adapt anywhere. Others are deeply rooted in culture and community. Know which kind of family you are.
- Have you given yourself permission to struggle? Too many Nigerians abroad are performing happiness online while dying quietly. You are allowed to find it hard. That does not mean you failed.
- What is your Plan B? Not every relocation works out. Is returning home a shameful option or a strategic pivot? The way you frame this matters enormously for your mental health.
The Conversation Nigeria Needs to Have
We celebrate every japa success story loudly and bury every japa struggle quietly. That imbalance is doing real damage. Young Nigerians are making life-altering decisions based on highlight reels, and families are crumbling under the weight of expectations that were never realistic to begin with.
Ijeoma was brave enough to say out loud what many dare not admit: that even when you do everything right, the dream can still hurt you. That kind of honesty is what we need more of — not to discourage people from moving, but to help them move smarter and survive the journey with their families intact.
The japa dream is not dead. But it needs to be pursued with open eyes, honest conversations, and the understanding that the real cost is never just financial. Sometimes, it is counted in your child's tears, your spouse's silent resentment, and the nights you lie awake wondering if home was not so bad after all.
As for Ijeoma? She is still in Ireland. Still building. And slowly — slowly — watching her family find their rhythm in a new land. That is the part of the story worth telling too.
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